Saturday, 25 February 2012


This week I will be asking why? :
I understand the changes that occur to the unborn foetus during the 40 week pregnancy, body changes and development of an infant through puberty during teenage years and into adulthood. But where was I during the biology lesson that covered a further change that occurs during early to mid forties? 
 Why do a few hairs from my eyebrows want to move from the uniformed and neat position of the others and dwell standing tall on their own, resembling rogue rose suckers and stick up and outwards, thicker and healthier than the ones that reside there already. Also, as if this wasn't enough to get them noticed, prefer to be a different colour from my own!
 Whilst on the subject of facial hair, why have I got so much  hair in my ears that it looks like 2 moths have decided to burrow in and reside there? And if I ever decided to grow a mustache, why would I need it to start growing so far up my nose its practically level with my sinuses? 
Why do I make noises not dissimilar to a power lifter whilst partaking of relatively menial tasks such as tying my shoelaces or putting on socks?
After a recent bath I decided to take a bi monthly pilgrimage to visit my feet with the view of cutting my toenails (more grunting!). My toes resemble a Swiss army knife, each toe having a different attachment. Honestly if my feet were as dexterous as my hands I would no longer need to spend time searching for screwdrivers (slotted and phillips head), tin openers and wallpaper strippers. If my dexterity matched that of a playful kitten, I too would be able to scale walls and curtains with ease!
Why don't manicure sets come with a junior hacksaw and some tin snips to tackle the big toenails? Or socks come with a leather toe insert to eliminate toenails making a hole in sock?
Why when I cough or sneeze do I pass wind? I know that coughing and sneezing is the bodies way of clearing the air passageway but why the rectum simultaneously? Is it in case of an emergency whereas in the event of not clearing the nose or throat the body inhales air from the back passage? If I didn't have hair resembling a thicket growing up my nose it would eliminate such drastic action surely or have I unlocked the secret breathing techniques of pearl fishers and inverted ducks?
Why does modern machinery and gadgets have a built in system that repairs faults by simply turning them off and then on again?
Why did I used to cringe at Victor Meldrew  encumbering his misdemeanors upon his poor wife but having  watched reruns recently, not only do I sympathize with the old boy but share his logic and thought. I have to draw the line somewhere tho in familiarization with Victor and  my wife has my full permission to plunge the scissors deep into my solar plexus if I ask her for them with a view to saving a few pence cutting out coupons. If I need her scissors, I may just have a toe for that!
If she does do the deed and I end up on a life support machine and a light starts blinking or the machine starts making a funny noise, just turn it off and ...leave it off!
Anyway must dash, feel a sneeze coming on...I best crack open a window!



  1. I laughed all the way through this one :-)

    Then I realised I'm 56 and it has been my life for 15 years :-(

    1. One presumes that a midlife crisis is upon me but quite frankly......
      I DON'T BELIEVE IT! ;)